Introducing Diamond Myst 3000.XXXL: Flaunt Your Shimmer

Are you increasingly unhappy with what you see in the mirror each morning? Is your doctor no longer trying as hard to cure all your ills? Does casually mentioning your startup in a bar or the local Blue Bottle cafe no longer get you the attention it once did? Is the shine on your GitHub Arctic Code Vault badge wearing off? 

Don’t worry! We’ve got your back. Equinix Metal has developed a whole new way for select users* to project your status. Meet Diamond Myst 3000.XXXL, a server for the discerning cloud native who understands that respect, admiration, and fear cannot be gained by settling for average looking hardware.

No longer will remote-hands technicians indifferently walk by your server cage. The irresistible beauty of YOUR computer, an unambiguous display of your confident superiority, will quite literally stun them. When they go home, they will tell their spouses about you. Their children will want to be like you when they grow up. Unauthorized pictures will most definitely make their way to the “orange” site, or that retro hipster IRC channel everyone is talking about.

Diamond Myst 3000.XXXL is powered by standard issue CPU, memory, storage, and networking technologies. What’s inside, however, doesn’t matter as much as what’s on the outside: a gold-plated chassis and diamond-encrusted server bezel that will put even the shiniest Model X to shame. Each limited edition “XXXL” is unique, delivered one in a rack for maximum attention, and features dedicated Equinix “IBX blue” lights to ensure maximum sparkle.

Don’t worry, not just any customer can secure a Diamond Myst 3000. These super sleds are reserved for VC-backed founders, post-IPO execs, and 10x engineers committed to sparing no expense to ensuring the ultimate alpha persona.

Exclusive features include:

Three-factor authentication. No need to settle for two-factor authentication. A true high roller is always in the crosshairs of the world’s top cybercriminal masterminds. The only way to get network access to your Diamond Myst 3000.XXXL is to be physically present at the data center, where we can confirm your identity with the combination of your specially-designed Hawthorne branded scent, a retina scan performed through the lenses of your "Miami Nights" Pit Viper sunglasses, and the unique acoustical properties of your own custom-built mechanical keyboard.

24/7 alpha status affirmation hotline. Let’s face it, retweets and Instagram likes aren’t a reliable source of confidence. Our team of dedicated personal affirmation experts is available around the clock to guide you through those difficult moments when doubt of your own alpha status begins to creep in. 

Data Center VIP experience. A dedicated parking space at the data center is just the beginning. Visit your Diamond Myst 3000.XXXL in style with a complimentary Uber XXXL limo. You’ll be whisked through security by a concierge team composed of former black hat hackers, stroll down a special red-carpeted corridor to your data hall, and entertained in your private cage complete with extra-dry filtered air, DJ-sampled fan noise, and a Gucci-branded leather-wrapped crash cart.

Titanium Yubikey. Because what better way to signal elite unicorn status? Casually throw that down on the table at the after party of SRECon Monaco or KubeCon Macau, and everyone will know who is the "one and only" boss of the Diamond Myst 3000.xxxl.

Luxury Monster console cables. Don't drag down the vibe of your custom crash cart with just any set of links. When you need to connect to console for some Out of Band wizardry, you'll do it in style with high-end Monster brand cables stored in a cage-mounted, felt-lined cherry wood case (monogrammed with your GitHub handle, of course). 

Pricing: Diamond Myst 3000.XXXL starts at $500,000 per month (base configuration).

Impressed? Intrigued? Indignant? Compare the exclusive Diamond Myst 3000.XXXL features in our handy buyer’s guide:

*This premium hardware is only available to founders whose startups have reached unicorn status.

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